I don’t know about you, but I don’t have much experience choosing a secure data center to host a website. I leave that task up to our experienced founders, programmers, and other computer-literate team members. But I must say, the process is fascinating.

It’s like when you’re going out of town and you need to find a place for your dog to stay. You want a kennel where it’ll be safe, and happy–but let’s get real, it is a dog. You don’t have all that much money. I mean you hope the thing gets fed and walked, but you also hope you have enough cash left over to buy one of those sweet XL sombreros from Mexico. So you spend some time calling around to different kennels and asking some basic questions. Will Sparky see the light of day during his stay? Is his cage big enough for him to both stand and lay down? Will he be fed daily? The type of questions that any responsible and concerned owner would ask. But in shopping around, you’ll inevitably run into that one kennel–the one that offers your dog daily massages, dog bowls of Perrier, nightly “Yappy hour” social mixers, and one-on-one bedtime stories in the evening. “Welcome to The Lakeside Lofts at Kennelpark Manor, where trust, commitment and loving care will make your dog’s stay here just PAW-fect!”. You’re pretty sure they’re serious, and you’re pretty sure you just threw up in your mouth a little.

Believe it or not, we found the “Lakeside Lofts at Kennelpark Manor” of web hosts. The following is an excerpt from the section that outlines their security features:

“From the basics, such as 24/7/365 security and onsite network monitoring; to the advanced, such as strategically placed biometric palm and thumb scanners, extensive use of physical man traps, dual authentication access doors, and a state-of-the-art Altronix powered …”

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop the train. Man traps? Does anyone know what that means? That was actually a rhetorical question, because I wikipedia-ed it. Although I still can’t tell you how or what these traps do, I do know that man traps that use deadly force are illegal in the United States. Looks like we’re going to have to look beyond the border. Good news is the more popular definition refers to the title of a season 1 episode from the original Star Trek series. There’s a joke there, but I’m too tired to look for it.

If someone has some advice for a good data center, it would be greatly appreciated–but at least for now, the search continues. Although I should probably mention, at this point, I’m much more interested in searching for the meaning of “Man Traps”. That might have to be a personal quest.Updates to come.